Some parents should be crucified for the names they give to their children. Namibian parents are staunch supporters of keeping their legacy alive when they are not around anymore. This unfortunately extends to their names as well. Trust me; I wouldn’t have a problem if my mother or father had a cool name like ‘Charlie’. That is a name I would like to inherit anytime - of course along with a few cows too, but that is a conversation better left for another day. Instead, our parents force names like Godfried, Christaline and Charles on us simply because they enjoyed watching Charles Bronson movies! That is not all; parents often give both the name and surname of a famous person to their children. Believe me; I have met a Percy Sledge Komomungondo, Neville Nash Hangero and Jim Carter Kozonguizi in my lifetime. Once these children grow into men and women, they do everything to disguise or change their names. I would probably do the same if my name was ‘Engelhardine’, ‘Charseline’ or ‘Adolphine’. My brothers and sisters hailing from north of the Red Line didn’t have it better either. With the area under heavy attack by colonial forces, parents there probably figured it was best to name their sons and daughters after memoirs of the war to keep their experiences alive. It is here, dear friends, where names such as Bazooka Shikongo, Shu-tu-kirr (Shoot to kill) Namene and Independence Elago are popular. I also know of twins named Aluta and Continua Shivute. When US President Barack Obama stepped into the Oval Office for his first term, my people from the North went on a naming spree, naming babies born around that time after the US President. In fact, I have been chosen as a godfather to a baby named ‘Baalaka Hobama Emvula’. But the cream of the crop belongs to my people in Namibia’s extreme north-east. Here, anything goes. They just look at the baby once after birth and the first thing that comes to mind becomes its name. That explains how names such as ‘Innocent’, ‘Kingson’, ‘Greenwell’, ‘Miracle’ and Godspower came about. The other day I stumbled upon a man named ‘Innocent’ in the Windhoek Prison and wondered what the hell he was doing there! Eish, our justice system! What is worse is taking another person’s surname as your nickname. When we were growing up, we had a dude named ‘Skropela’ who could dissect a human body with his knife in record time. Because of his reputation, no one else dared call himself that - just in case people mistook you for the real ‘Skropela’ and lynched you! My best friend Tjeripo recently went on a date with a Kardashian Haipumbu. Whatever happened to originality? Is it a crime nowadays to have a truly unique name? Look, if you are really into soccer - that game where 22 grown men chase after a ball, only to kick it forward again after reaching it - you would most probably be pardoned for naming yourself Eric ‘Cantona’ Gurirab, Lionel ‘Giggs’ Shaanika, or Theofelus ‘Zidane’ Tjatindi. But if you are a radio DJ, why the hell would you nickname yourself after a soccer star? Aren’t there enough DJs in the world to borrow a name from? Like that dude from Botswana who is a big fish in South Africa; DJ Aqua-Fresh or something like that? What about the one named Vetkoek? Go to Khorixas and ask if anybody has seen ‘Ou Scara’ and 25 people from various age groups will stand in front of you, all claiming to be ‘Ou Scara’. And they will all be right! It’s one of the two - either there was a deficiency of name choices in that part of the country or the real ‘Ou Scara’ was a real big Kahuna! Imagine being served by a big dude with a big scar on his face, whose name tag reads ‘Criminal’ as a nickname! You think I will trust that man with my money or food? Aikona! If he does not spike my lady friend’s drinks with some date rape drug, he would most probably hit the living hell out of me if I refuse to tip him! Until then…
Category: